Hands Across The Water

It's another day, sweeties, another abundant assortment of angst, adversity and alliteration from the very depths of many a troubled heart. My thanks to the busy bee that is "Can't Sit Still" and the young sprite Sniap, honored visitors all from 'overseas' whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Anonymous said...
I have genital herpes. My new boyfriend doesn't know this. How can I break the news to him "gently"?
"Can't Sit Still" Dripstick, Nebraska

Dr Marga said...
Dear Can't Sit,
This is a common problem, sweetie, especially with you rednecks out there and I would like to regale you with a story involving my friend, let's call her Donna.
Now Donna was going out with a new boyfriend, let's call him Dave. They had been seeing each other for several weeks when Donna decided to break up with Dave, but didn't have the heart to tell him. On the side, Donna was sleeping with her Boss, let's call him Pete. She kept both men on the go at the same time without telling one about the other's existence. Eventually, Donna began dating another man, let's call him Mike. Now, Donna, let's call her Brenda, decided that she wished to sleep with all of them, let's call him Tony. But not all at the same time, of course, lovey - She did have some morals. Eventually, Donna succumbed to Genital Herpes, let's call him Bruce. Throughout her brief life, Donna continued to have affairs with many men whilst still infected, and eventually she died as a result of this. Her paramours were blissfully unaware of Donna's infectious plight, since she had elected to allow them to go to their graves in ignorance, albeit years before their time.
I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: You can tell your boyfriend that you have G.H or you can not. The decision is yours, sweetie, but take heed the cautionary tale of Donna, let's call her Tragic.

Sniap Borgesganballanta said...
I be 14 year boy live in Sri Lanka. My teach she very sexy and I know not how me going ask to have the sex. Can I get the pregnant from this if she say yeah? I no speak engrish so good. sorry for this. I tierd of pig fat in mrs. five-finger and want the slip eel go into damp cave of love. Can'st you help the my? or me have to see viallge priest?

Dr Marga said...
Dear Sniap,
You have nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie. Masturbation is natural. It is all part of growing up and being British. But 14 is too young to be partaking in anything other than a harmless spot of self discovery.
I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Stick to the saucy mistress that is Madame Palmer and her 5 lovely daughters. It will keep you in good stead for the rest of your life. And so far as your 'Teach' is concerned, those carnal activities which you so yearn are probably best left to the imagination - a place where you will never find disappointment, broken marriages or unwanted pregnancies, but always happy endings.

Good luck, young Sniap, and lay off the pig fat. It's high in Cholesterol, sweetie.