Rise And Fall

Another day, loveys, another batch of problems. My thanks to Dave, and Hide It Under The Table, whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Dave said...
Auntie Marga, I hope you are a genuine Auntie. I am in trouble and i need advice. My wife is 19 and the most gorgeous creature ever to walk the earth. Recently I discovered that she has slept with my nephew, my brother, and also my niece. This morning I caught her in bed with my grandson. She seems to be working her way through my entire family. I am at my wits end. Should I divorce her or, as I feel I should, forgive her.

Auntie Marga said...
Dear Dave,

Many people in your position would feel fortunate to have a marital partner so youthful in years, lovey. A young girl can make a man feel so vibrant, so healthy, so horny. But I can see your predicament, Dave: Do you cut this woman out of your life and quell the supply of regular sex, or do you forgive her and carry on with the type of sexual action men of advanced years such as yourself usually dream about?

I cannot tell you what to do, lovey, I can only advise. And my advice is this: When you meet up with your friends on a Friday night in the pub, which Dave do you think is most envied - The Studly Dave with the 19 year old nymphomaniac wife, or Lonely Dave who is generally too tired to even lift a pint due to excessive masturbating? Think about it, lovey.

Enzio Pesta said...
Dear Auntie Marga, I get an erection every time I visit Olaf Legend's blog. It usually happens at work and ALWAYS just before I'm about to go into a meeting.

IS THIS NORMAL?

"Hide it Under the Desk" Come by Chance, Newfoundland


Auntie Marga said...
Dear Hide it,

Yes, it is normal to have meetings at work, lovey. Often, they provide the very foundation to a mentally profitable vocational experience. Don't be ashamed. Without meetings, man would be lonely.

So far as the erections are concerned, I cannot tell you what to do, lovey, I can only advise. And my advice is this: try thinking about hairy men. That can sometimes reduce any unwanted enlargements. Or hairy women, depending on your proclivities.

Failing that, try flicking the helmet, lovey.

Both Feet On The Gas

Another day, loveys, another brace of heartaches. My thanks to Oiled and Ready, and Gordon Horback of Little Spunk, whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Oiled and Ready said...
I am a 40 year old woman who hasn't had sex in 10 years because of a medical condition which I prefer not to divulge here. I have undergone a medical procedure and,  shall we say,  the plumbing is working wonderfully now.  I work in a sheet metal factory full of muscular, viril men and I can't wait to start going through the "rank and file" starting with my beef-cake foreman.  Problem: I don't want to come off looking like a slut.  How can I shag these guys without them knowing I did the entire foundry floor?


Dr Marga said...
Dear Oiled and Ready,
You say you don't wish to come off looking like a slut. Sweetie, I think that ship sailed when you started work in a sheet metal factory. There is nothing wrong with looking like a slut - after all, many people in this world crave popularity. You will be the most popular slut in the factory.

I cannot tell you what to do, petal, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Quit your job. Working in a factory is unhealthly for the female mind. Take up a position as secretary in a city stockbroker firm and work your way through a bit of class. You will still be a slut,  sweetie,  but a more upmarket one.


Gordon Horback, Little Spunk - Missouri said...

Dear Dr. Marga,
I chanced upon your blog through Olaf Legend's. Bravo on your new endeavour! This is very embarrassing, but I sense you are qualified to answer my query. Have you ever heard of someone expelling gas when they reach orgasm? I have this problem and I am at my wits end. Doctors have tried everything without success. I am 55 and have not had sex with a woman since Woodstock. I'm even afraid to spank the monkey because I throw up every time. PLEASE HELP ME!

Dr Marga said...
Dear Gordon,

The solution to this problem is very simple. Put a cork in it. That's not Dr Marga being rude here, sweetie, but a large cork placed in the alimentary cavity will temporarily bring a respite from these embarrassing emissions. 

I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Stay away from animals. You made 2 references in your letter, and I fear they could give way to indulgence. (Forget "the monkey" and leave Woodstock back in Charlie Brown's world where he belongs. He is a fictional yellow bird and quite unrelated to your predicament, sweetie.)