Hands Across The Water

It's another day, sweeties, another abundant assortment of angst, adversity and alliteration from the very depths of many a troubled heart. My thanks to the busy bee that is "Can't Sit Still" and the young sprite Sniap, honored visitors all from 'overseas' whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Anonymous said...
I have genital herpes. My new boyfriend doesn't know this. How can I break the news to him "gently"?
"Can't Sit Still" Dripstick, Nebraska

Dr Marga said...
Dear Can't Sit,
This is a common problem, sweetie, especially with you rednecks out there and I would like to regale you with a story involving my friend, let's call her Donna.
Now Donna was going out with a new boyfriend, let's call him Dave. They had been seeing each other for several weeks when Donna decided to break up with Dave, but didn't have the heart to tell him. On the side, Donna was sleeping with her Boss, let's call him Pete. She kept both men on the go at the same time without telling one about the other's existence. Eventually, Donna began dating another man, let's call him Mike. Now, Donna, let's call her Brenda, decided that she wished to sleep with all of them, let's call him Tony. But not all at the same time, of course, lovey - She did have some morals. Eventually, Donna succumbed to Genital Herpes, let's call him Bruce. Throughout her brief life, Donna continued to have affairs with many men whilst still infected, and eventually she died as a result of this. Her paramours were blissfully unaware of Donna's infectious plight, since she had elected to allow them to go to their graves in ignorance, albeit years before their time.
I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: You can tell your boyfriend that you have G.H or you can not. The decision is yours, sweetie, but take heed the cautionary tale of Donna, let's call her Tragic.

Sniap Borgesganballanta said...
I be 14 year boy live in Sri Lanka. My teach she very sexy and I know not how me going ask to have the sex. Can I get the pregnant from this if she say yeah? I no speak engrish so good. sorry for this. I tierd of pig fat in mrs. five-finger and want the slip eel go into damp cave of love. Can'st you help the my? or me have to see viallge priest?

Dr Marga said...
Dear Sniap,
You have nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie. Masturbation is natural. It is all part of growing up and being British. But 14 is too young to be partaking in anything other than a harmless spot of self discovery.
I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Stick to the saucy mistress that is Madame Palmer and her 5 lovely daughters. It will keep you in good stead for the rest of your life. And so far as your 'Teach' is concerned, those carnal activities which you so yearn are probably best left to the imagination - a place where you will never find disappointment, broken marriages or unwanted pregnancies, but always happy endings.

Good luck, young Sniap, and lay off the pig fat. It's high in Cholesterol, sweetie.

Hard Habit to Break

Hei di ho! Another glorious day, another slice of Americana. Yes, we do seem to be attracting many visitors from UK jnr. I guess it must be something to do with the new Batman movie.

Still, my thanks to the dying Butch, whose embarrassing problem I have reproduced faithfully here:

Butch Wadblow - Cornhollow, Wisconsin said...

I like wearing women's knickers. There, I said it! I'm 85 years old and my 25 year old wife has the sexiest little underthings you can ever imagine. I like rubbing then over my face, I like slipping them on and feeling the silky material brush against my engorged privates. Note: They're engorged because of a medical condition I have and not because of what you were thinking. My doctor has given me 3 months to live and I want to be exposed in my casket wearing panties and garters with this lovely lace bra I saw in the latest Victoria's Secret mag. Yes, I know, what will the family think? Perhaps in death will I have the peace I have craved all my life! How can I break the news to them without causing any fainting?


Dr Marga said...

Dear Butch,
You say your engorged privates are due to a medical conditon. Yes, the condition is called "sexually aroused".

I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Just before you shuffle off this mortal coil, your young wife could perhaps engage in some shuffling of her own. If you leave your ... predicament in her capable hands, as it were, then the resultant 'release' will spare your family from the ignominious sight of watching three burly undertakers unsuccessfully attempting to nail the lid onto your coffin.

And as far as your 'underthings' activities are concerned, I must remind you to never judge a woman by her panties. Lovey, it's what's inside the panties that count.

Rise And Fall

Another day, loveys, another batch of problems. My thanks to Dave, and Hide It Under The Table, whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Dave said...
Auntie Marga, I hope you are a genuine Auntie. I am in trouble and i need advice. My wife is 19 and the most gorgeous creature ever to walk the earth. Recently I discovered that she has slept with my nephew, my brother, and also my niece. This morning I caught her in bed with my grandson. She seems to be working her way through my entire family. I am at my wits end. Should I divorce her or, as I feel I should, forgive her.

Auntie Marga said...
Dear Dave,

Many people in your position would feel fortunate to have a marital partner so youthful in years, lovey. A young girl can make a man feel so vibrant, so healthy, so horny. But I can see your predicament, Dave: Do you cut this woman out of your life and quell the supply of regular sex, or do you forgive her and carry on with the type of sexual action men of advanced years such as yourself usually dream about?

I cannot tell you what to do, lovey, I can only advise. And my advice is this: When you meet up with your friends on a Friday night in the pub, which Dave do you think is most envied - The Studly Dave with the 19 year old nymphomaniac wife, or Lonely Dave who is generally too tired to even lift a pint due to excessive masturbating? Think about it, lovey.

Enzio Pesta said...
Dear Auntie Marga, I get an erection every time I visit Olaf Legend's blog. It usually happens at work and ALWAYS just before I'm about to go into a meeting.

IS THIS NORMAL?

"Hide it Under the Desk" Come by Chance, Newfoundland


Auntie Marga said...
Dear Hide it,

Yes, it is normal to have meetings at work, lovey. Often, they provide the very foundation to a mentally profitable vocational experience. Don't be ashamed. Without meetings, man would be lonely.

So far as the erections are concerned, I cannot tell you what to do, lovey, I can only advise. And my advice is this: try thinking about hairy men. That can sometimes reduce any unwanted enlargements. Or hairy women, depending on your proclivities.

Failing that, try flicking the helmet, lovey.

Both Feet On The Gas

Another day, loveys, another brace of heartaches. My thanks to Oiled and Ready, and Gordon Horback of Little Spunk, whose respective problems I have faithfully reproduced here:

Oiled and Ready said...
I am a 40 year old woman who hasn't had sex in 10 years because of a medical condition which I prefer not to divulge here. I have undergone a medical procedure and,  shall we say,  the plumbing is working wonderfully now.  I work in a sheet metal factory full of muscular, viril men and I can't wait to start going through the "rank and file" starting with my beef-cake foreman.  Problem: I don't want to come off looking like a slut.  How can I shag these guys without them knowing I did the entire foundry floor?


Dr Marga said...
Dear Oiled and Ready,
You say you don't wish to come off looking like a slut. Sweetie, I think that ship sailed when you started work in a sheet metal factory. There is nothing wrong with looking like a slut - after all, many people in this world crave popularity. You will be the most popular slut in the factory.

I cannot tell you what to do, petal, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Quit your job. Working in a factory is unhealthly for the female mind. Take up a position as secretary in a city stockbroker firm and work your way through a bit of class. You will still be a slut,  sweetie,  but a more upmarket one.


Gordon Horback, Little Spunk - Missouri said...

Dear Dr. Marga,
I chanced upon your blog through Olaf Legend's. Bravo on your new endeavour! This is very embarrassing, but I sense you are qualified to answer my query. Have you ever heard of someone expelling gas when they reach orgasm? I have this problem and I am at my wits end. Doctors have tried everything without success. I am 55 and have not had sex with a woman since Woodstock. I'm even afraid to spank the monkey because I throw up every time. PLEASE HELP ME!

Dr Marga said...
Dear Gordon,

The solution to this problem is very simple. Put a cork in it. That's not Dr Marga being rude here, sweetie, but a large cork placed in the alimentary cavity will temporarily bring a respite from these embarrassing emissions. 

I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: Stay away from animals. You made 2 references in your letter, and I fear they could give way to indulgence. (Forget "the monkey" and leave Woodstock back in Charlie Brown's world where he belongs. He is a fictional yellow bird and quite unrelated to your predicament, sweetie.)

A Smooth First Entry

Okay, loveys, I am new here, so please be gentle with me.

Let's open the floor to new questions. Let's hear them, loveys, no problem is too big or too small. I will leave the comments part of this page open and you can leave all your problems there where I will copy and paste them onto regular entries so the world at large may point and laugh at you.

Don't be shy, and be as anonymous as you like - and remember: It's never a problem if the whole world knows about it.

Dr Marga Thwaites

Why Auntie Is So Fantastic

This is ever so embarrassing, and I am not a party to it in any way. But I have been asked to list all the reasons why I think I'm great. Oh, the absolute shame of it. This really is humiliating to be asked to write out all my fantastic attributes.  Oh all right then.

1. Auntie has helped many poor individuals with good advice concerning sex, relationship problems, legal misunderstandings, sex, nuisance neighbours, healthcare, and sex.

2. Being a minor celebrity in my local town has not clouded my outlook. I am still the same loveable approachable Auntie. Only now I am a bit more famous and wealthier.  And you have to make an appointment to make an appointment to talk to me.

3. I help people of all creeds, colours, and races. As well as some from Birmingham.

4. I regularly give a large amount of money to charity, even though I never publicise it.

5. I have been through three divorces, and proved that by coming through that, I am a stronger person. My husbands were all weak kneed eunuchs, by the way.

Genital Herpes

I have genital herpes. My new boyfriend doesn't know this. How can I break the news to him "gently"? "Can't Sit Still" Dripstick, Nebraska

Dr Marga said...Dear Can't Sit, This is a common problem, sweetie, especially with you rednecks out there and I would like to regale you with a story involving my friend, let's call her Donna.Now Donna was going out with a new boyfriend, let's call him Dave. They had been seeing each other for several weeks when Donna decided to break up with Dave, but didn't have the heart to tell him. On the side, Donna was sleeping with her Boss, let's call him Pete. She kept both men on the go at the same time without telling one about the other's existence. Eventually, Donna began dating another man, let's call him Mike.

Now, Donna, let's call her Brenda, decided that she wished to sleep with all of them, let's call him Tony. But not all at the same time, of course, lovey - She did have some morals.

Eventually, Donna succumbed to Genital Herpes, let's call him Bruce. Throughout her brief life, Donna continued to have affairs with many men whilst still infected, and eventually she died as a result of this. Her paramours were blissfully unaware of Donna's infectious plight, since she had elected to allow them to go to their graves in ignorance, albeit years before their time.I cannot tell you what to do, sweetie, I can only advise. And my advice is this: You can tell your boyfriend that you have G.H or you can not.

The decision is yours, sweetie, but take heed the cautionary tale of Donna, let's call her Tragic.

All The Best,
Auntie Marga.

And remember - it's never a problem if the whole world knows about it.